In the previous post, I shared three valuable lessons about sending your child off to college—the excitement, the challenges, and the emotional adjustments that come with this major transition. But one of the biggest shifts happens gradually, often in ways you don’t expect: the evolving relationship between you and your child.
For me, this realization hit early. Throughout high school, my oldest son never had a serious girlfriend. He went on dates occasionally, but nothing ever turned into a long-term relationship. So, you can imagine my surprise when, just a week into college, he announced he had a girlfriend. (Almost two years later, they’re still going strong.) This moment was a turning point for me—an initiation into fully grasping that his choices, his relationships, and his life decisions were no longer mine to influence. He was stepping into his independence, as he should, but letting go wasn’t easy.
Beyond his relationship, his life rapidly expanded—joining a fraternity, landing a campus job, forming new friendships, and diving into class projects. Everything was fresh, exciting, and full of possibility.
For me, it was the opposite.
I hadn’t realized how much his presence shaped our home until he was gone. The chair he lounged on after school sat untouched, the house was quieter, and I found myself noticing the absence of things I once took for granted.
I missed him. A lot.
And as the months passed, I began to realize something even harder: he wasn’t missing me in the same way. The distance wasn’t just physical anymore, and that was difficult to come to terms with.
Every major life transition takes time to process, and we each move through it at our own pace. I encourage you to prepare for these shifts—because no matter how much we want to hold on, change is inevitable. While your child is (hopefully) thriving in this new chapter, you may find yourself struggling to recalibrate your life without them at the center of it. This is normal.
One of the biggest adjustments for me was figuring out how to stay connected. Early on, I set my sights on a weekly phone call, thinking it would anchor us through this transition. And at first, it did. Hearing his voice and getting a verbal download of his week felt familiar and comforting. But over time, I noticed something changing—he was pouring so much energy into his new life that by the time our scheduled calls rolled around, he was drained. Conversations felt forced, and I could tell that what had once been helpful was becoming a burden for him.
So, we pivoted.
Instead of rigid phone calls, we found new ways to communicate that felt easy for both of us. Our family group chat keeps us connected, even if most updates revolve around sports (thankfully, I love sports!). He emails me campus updates when he has the time and space to share. And in a fun, unexpected twist, I even text with his girlfriend now. I love seeing how much she supports and uplifts him. As his life expands, mine does too.
It is helpful to consider your child’s personality and the ways they naturally communicate as you negotiate how to stay in touch. Have an idea of how you’d like to stay connected but be willing to adapt. What works at first may evolve, and that’s okay. The goal isn’t to hold on to the past—it’s to find new ways to stay close, even as their world grows.
When so much of your identity has been wrapped up in parenting, this new phase can feel like a loss. But it’s also an opportunity—an invitation to rediscover what brings you joy outside of your role as a parent. In the next part of this series, we’ll explore ways to navigate this transition with intention—how to build a fulfilling life, nurture supportive friendships, explore new possibilities, and refocus on relationships, whether with a significant other or children still at home. Because just as our kids are growing, so are we.
Written by Diana DeVaul, MSW
